Movember: When You Can See He's Struggling but He Won't Talk

The moustaches start appearing at work this weekend, and somewhere in the fundraising emails there'll be a line about men's mental health. You might read it and think of one person straight away: a partner, a brother, your dad or a son who has seemed further away lately and who says "I'm fine" before you've finished asking.

You can usually tell something's off

It rarely shows up as a conversation. It's him staying up long after everyone else has gone to bed, or spending a lot more time in the shed than the shed needs. He's shorter with the kids, quieter at dinner or so busy there's never a gap to talk in. Some men get irritable or flat more than sad, which makes it harder to put a name to. Often you notice it before he does, and that can be a lonely place to be.

"I'm fine" is often the best he can do

A lot of men grew up learning that if you're struggling, you sort it out yourself and don't make a fuss. So when he says he's fine, he may not be brushing you off. He might not have the words for it yet, or saying it out loud might make it more real than he's ready for. It's still hard to hear when you can see he isn't fine, and pushing harder usually makes him close up a bit more.

Side by side is often easier than face to face

Plenty of men find it easier to talk when nobody's looking straight at them. In the car, walking the dog, fixing something together or on the drive home from footy. Some people find that a small, specific observation goes further than a big question. "You've seemed really tired lately" tends to land more gently than "What's going on with you?" You don't need the perfect words. Letting him know you've noticed and that you're not going anywhere is plenty for a first go. Then it can help to leave it there and let him come back to it in his own time.

You can't do the talking for him

This is the hard part. You can open the door, but you can't walk through it for him. How he's going isn't yours to carry on your own either. A lot of people start organising life around his mood, keeping the house calm and covering for him with friends, until you're running on empty yourself. If that sounds familiar, it makes sense that you're tired. Caring about someone who won't let you in takes a lot out of you.

There's help made for men who'd rather not talk

If he isn't ready to see a counsellor, there are gentler places to start. MensLine Australia (1300 78 99 78) offers phone and online counselling at any hour, and some men find it easier to begin with their GP, as part of a check-up. If you're ever worried about his safety, call Lifeline on 13 11 14. In an emergency, call 000. Counselling can be a place for you too, while you work out how to be there for him without losing track of yourself.

Movember is loud for a month, all moustaches and fundraising totals. The conversations that make a difference are usually much quieter than that, and they often take more than one try. If he isn't ready this week, it doesn't mean nothing you said got through. Sometimes what stays with a person, long after the conversation, is that someone noticed and didn't give up on them.